Mar 10



Say hello to my empty Mountain Dew bottle. Just moments ago, this bottle was full and brimming with energy and life. And then it was poured down the mouth of a man desperately seeking to quench his thirst.

The future of this bottle, whom I shall call Dewey, is bleak. In a short time Dewey will be carelessly cast into a large recycling dumpster where he will lay in the cold, damp, darkness for days. 

After a few days pass, a large truck will come and fetch Dewey and all of his recyclable friends. He will be taken to a processing plant where he will be bathed in harsh chemicals. He will then be crushed, smashed, shredded to bits and melted until Dewey is no longer even a bottle.

Farewell Dewey. I’d wish you well, but we all know that won’t do any good.

Mar 10

Why Yes, That Is A Pot

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great joy and excitement that I introduce you to the latest member of my kitchen; this pot.


This pot and I will make many memories together over the coming months and years. Although the sticker on the pot called it a “stew pot”, I find it highly unlikely that I will actually prepare stew in it. I don’t really care for stew too much since it usually contains vegetables.


The pot was on sale for only $11 at Shopko and even came with a lid! I’m very excited.

Mar 10

Bacon Stuff

Amazon.com has all sorts of fun bacon items you can buy. Such as:


A bacon scented air freshener!


Bacon flavored jelly beans!


Bacon lip balm!


Bacon mints!


Bacon bandages!


Bacon wallet!

There’s other fun bacon items at Amazon too. Items such as gummy bacon, bacon gumballs, bacon flavored floss, bacon lollipops,  and perhaps the weirdest bacon item of them all, bacon. (in bit form.)


Mar 10

The Dot Box

It was a warm sunny day in March when a man in the great state of Wisconsin spotted a Dot box sitting on his desk. “Surely I had previously consumed those delicious Dots”, the man thought to himself. “Perhaps I should dispose of the box.”


Intending to discard the box in a waste receptacle, our young protagonist was shocked to discover the box was not empty after all.


This was a lucky occurrence for our young fellow, because not only did the Dot box contain Dots, it contained yellow Dots – the flavor he favored most. “I shall eat those Dots, he thought to himself!” And so it was, that on that fine, sunny afternoon, he consumed the remaining Dots from the Dot box.

Upon consumption of the delicious Dots, the young man felt a bit melancholy and yet joyful as well. He was happy to have eaten the Dots, but sad that the Dot box was now empty indeed.


Mar 10

Bossy Candy Wrappers

Candy wrappers are getting too darn bossy these days and I’m getting sick of it!


“Believe in and act on your dreams.” Hmmph, mind your own business, candy wrapper! If I want to believe in and act on my dreams I’ll do it because I want to, not because some stupid candy wrapper told me to! Who do you think you are?

Here’s what I think of you, candy wrapper!


Next time I want advice I’ll get it from a reliable source… like a fortune cookie.

Mar 10

Nail Clippers


Nail clippers are amazing. They are much easier to use for nail clipping than say a pocket knife or a hacksaw. And it’s pretty much impossible to lose a finger to a nail clipper!

Can you imagine what life was like before nail clippers existed? It must’ve been absolutely horrible! If I ever invent a time machine, I am going to go back in time and take nail clippers  with me. The people would marvel! They would celebrate! They would have banquets in my honour! My place would be forever etched in the annals of history as the “time traveling nail clipper guy.”

I bet I’ve purchased fifty or more nail clippers in my lifetime. I tend to lose the little buggers, and when I really need one, I can’t find one. I know you might be thinking “nail clippers aren’t thaaat important.” But lemme tell you something, Buster Brown, you’re going to change your tune the next time you have a hangnail!

Mar 10

Soft Things


First of all, I want to clear one thing up. The nasty rumour, started by me about myself, that I no longer have anything to write about in my blog is completely an unequivocally false. I have lots of interesting things to write about and will continue to do so no matter what I say about myself! *glares at self*

Now today I want to talk to you about a topic very near and dear to my heart. That topic is soft things.

Soft things are wonderful. Soft things make the world a better place. I like to lay my head on soft things at night.  Soft things are great for hitting people with as you can get let out your aggression without hurting anyone. In fact, the act of smacking each other several times with soft things until feathers start flying has been known to be quite enjoyable in some circles.

Here is a brief list of some of my favourite soft things:




Fruit Snacks



Office Chairs

Squishy Toys

Oh, yeah and…




Feb 10

Two Interlocking Phonebooks

A while back I saw an episode of Mythbusters in which the guys from the show attempted to bust the myth that two interlocking phonebooks cannot be pulled apart. Although the myth was eventually busted, they couldn’t accomplish the feat with human strength or even with the strength of two cars. They were not successful until they attempted to pull the phonebooks apart with the help of two tanks from the U.S. military.

So today I decided to try the trick for myself and see how it goes.



Interlocking the two phonebooks took a little while. It was kind of fun though. I was a little worried that the trick wouldn’t work because one phonebook was from 2008 while the other was from 2009. They weren’t exactly the same size.


But it worked! I really can’t pull those phonebooks apart. It’s a pretty cool trick. You all should try it.

Feb 10

The Incredible Bottle Top!

If you’re ever feeling down or sad, I suggest you go to Shopko and look at the “As Seen on TV” section. It’s full of all sorts of wonderful things, like Sham-Wows, Snuggies, and Snuggies for dogs. I also found this amazing product.


Have you ever found yourself hosting  a party, you bring out the drinks and one of your finicky guests exclaims, “I’m not drinking that! It’s in a can!” Well now, thanks to the amazing Bottle Top, you can instantly turn those cans into “bottles.”

It’s basically a bottle top that snaps onto your can. Apparently it can prevent spilling and supposedly it keeps drinks carbonated longer.


The thing actually snaps onto a can pretty tight.



This product is “ingenious.” How do I know that? It says so on the included instructions. But my favourite part about this product is that it takes an ordinary can of soda and makes it look cool. Doesn’t it look cool? Doesn’t it?!

The makers of this product were so thoughtful that they even included a coupon for a fake diamond ring.


It’s valued at $136, but it can be mine for just 20 bucks! Thank you Bottle Top people. You sure are swell!

Feb 10

My Beloved Recliner

Dear friends,

Today I would like to introduce you to one of my favorite chairs in the whole world. This is my recliner. He resides in my living room.


He’s very soft and comfortable. I’ve spent many relaxing hours sitting on him over the last 16 months. My favorite feature of this chair is that it reclines.


Not only does it recline, but it reclines really far back. You can pretty much lay in this chair. It’s great for watching football or movies.

Only a few people have had the honor of sitting in this chair. But perhaps if any of you are ever visiting my apartment, I will let you sit in it… for a small fee. Okay, I *might* let you sit in it for free if I’m feeling generous. We’ll just see how it goes.