Posts Tagged: internet


2
Feb 10

Dear Internet – Part 2

dearinternet

I just wanted to send you a follow-up to last week’s letter. You’re still shamelessly wasting hours of my time every day, and I’m just as upset as I was about it last week.

Thanks to sites like Hulu, Netflix, and Youtube, I could watch video online for the rest of my life and never run out of stuff to watch. How dare you overwhelm me with all this selection! Not only that, but you’re putting cable companies at risk by giving away what they want to charge an arm and a leg for. I need a big cable company in my life to complain about! After all, complaining about crappy cable service has been an American tradition for decades! Way to ruin American tradition, Internet.

And nice job killing off the newspapers, murderer! Now that I can access my news instantly from literally hundreds of different sources, I no longer need the germ infested newspaper that the paper boy sneezed all over. Thanks a lot!

And you and your freaking online stores.  Did you know that I once bought a candle shaped like a pineapple online? Do you know WHY I bought a candle shaped like a pineapple? Because I could, that’s why! I don’t even like pineapples very much!

Oh how I loathe thee, Internet.

Sincerely,

Mr Nethead – Your Biggest Fan


26
Jan 10

Dear Internet

internet

Dear Internet,

I’m writing to complain about all the time I am wasting on you. When I wake in the morning, my first urge is not to eat breakfast, but rather check my Facebook. I am disgusted by the addictive nature of this social networking site and demand an apology… right after I check the latest status updates.

Furthermore, I am outraged by Amazon.com’s low low prices. This causes me to spend more money than I probably should, because shopping there is so easy, convenient and affordable.

Thanks to sites like Newegg, Tom’s Hardware, CNET, Engadget and Gizmodo, I find myself wasting hours staring, drooling, and lusting after the latest tech gear. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves – blatantly parading the latest and greatest tech toys, and filling my mind with fantasies of a mansion full of all that wonderful stuff.

And because of despicable sites like Google and Wikipedia, I now have constant access to information. I endlessly find myself having questions that need to be answered, such as “Which episodes of The Simpsons did Conan O’Brien write?”, “What is Aaron Rodgers middle name?”, “What is the scientific name of the almond?” It’s a miracle that I get any sleep at all!

So Internet, in closing I just want to say, you suck!

Sincerely,

Mr Nethead – Your Biggest Fan


15
Jan 10

The Eat and Sleep Diet

garfield-sleeping

Are you overweight? If you live in the United States there’s a pretty good chance of it. Well I’m here today to tell you about an exciting new diet. It’s called the Eat and Sleep Diet.

Did you know that your body  burns calories constantly – even when you sleep? Well now you can take advantage of that! The concept of this diet is quite simple; you sleep your fat away!

Please note that this diet works best for those who do not have a steady job. Luckily, thanks to the strong leadership of Barack Obama, approximately 10% of the American workforce is perfectly suited for it.

Step 1: Sleep through breakfast and lunch. This step is the key! It’s generally best to arise between 1 and 2pm.  You won’t consume any calories during those pesky breakfast and lunch hours.

Step 2: Eat a candy bar upon waking to hold you over until dinner time.

Step 3: Watch TV, play video games, or use the Internet for a few hours.

Step 4: Eat a nice 1200 calorie dinner at 5pm.

Step 5: Watch TV, play video games, or use the Internet for the next three hours.

Step 6: Have a nice 300 calorie snack at 8pm. (A brownie would be a good choice.)

Step 7: Watch TV, play video games, or use Facebook for several hours.

Step 8: Go to bed between 1 and 3am and proceed to sleep for 12 hours straight.

And that’s all there is to it! So what are you waiting for?

FINE PRINT: FOLLOWING THIS DIET WILL BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. Side effects may include muscle atrophy and an angry significant other.